With great power....

*climbs on soapbox*

I really dislike people who think they're better than everyone else. It's one thing to possess the abilities and the means to pursue an education that may help your odds in this world, but it's an entirely different, ugly thing to belittle others who don't have the same opportunities as you. In the end, we're all just trying to be happy and find our way. And if you go through life making others feel bad because they don't measure up to you, in the end who truly loses?

*climbs down*

Cut and Paste the Randoms

I compounded my first prescription on Thursday all by myself, and I'm thinking I did pretty good, but man was it stressful. It was probably the last thing I needed during a week in which I had both Biochem and Pharmaceutics exams to study for, but by the end of my lab I had my Wintergreen rubbing alcohol solution all perfect with a flawless label.

Thursday night my friend Beth and I felt comfortable enough to actually put all our school crap away and be social for a while. We even got all dressed up in heels and lipstick to go out to the bar, but we were ready way before everyone else on our floor, so we ended up going out to get a pizza to kill some time. Afterwards we went to the bar and found out there was a three dollar cover charge and neither of us had cash. SON OF A BITCH. So we went to Meijer, got some ice cream, came back and sipped on rum and ciders while watching Pitch Black (because we would both have sex with Vin Diesel). But after being up since 6 am, we were both too tired to even finish the movie. Still, it was a nice night off from the usual homework.

That guy that I helped with his homework that was such as ass to me is named Labarron apparently. On Tuesday night I heard some commotion out at the end of my hallway, and when I went to look it was him and two of the RA's from South Bond. I guess he did something for a charity event and expected compensation for it, and the RA's were trying to explain to him that that's not how it works. AN HOUR AND A HALF he argued this same dumb-ass point, all the while the RA's were trying to defuse the situation by offering to make him an appointment with the hall director, Jesse, with whom he could complain further. He ignored them of course (because he ignores everyone), and talked over their attempts to move the arguement out of the hallway and into his room, so they wouldn't be disturbing everyone on the floor. They finally got him to follow them into the kitchen where they continued to argue for another half an hour until the hall director showed up. Things really started to get heated then. The RA's had been trying their best to be polite, but now they were just all out yelling at him because (and much like in my own situation with him) he refused to listen to anything anyone said. He just yelled and yelled and yelled as if no one had anything to say back. Finally the hall director sent him to his room. Like, he actually said "GO to your room." Which I thought was rather appropriate. Well, Labarron wouldn't go until Jesse finally threatened to call public safety on his sorry ass. Then he left.

I told the RA's what happened to me with him, and I guess he's done it a few times to other people as well. Oh, and he's thirty four years old. HOLY CRAP. I told some of the boys on my floor about what he did to me and they were pretty pissed. So I'm glad I at least told other people--this guy seems like a psycho.

Beth and I have talked about living together next year. A few other girls that we're friends with have expressed interest in living with us too, but I don't really want to live with more than one person ever again unless I gave birth to them or I'm related to them in some way. Not to mention Beth has had some bad experiences with it and feels even more strongly about it than I do. So we're going to start to look for apartments this week and I'm pretty excited. I hope we can find a nice place.

Mike took me out to Carraba's last night and to see Saw III. I can't believe they made two more movies of the original Saw and they were all really good. I'm very impressed. Today I have to study but this evening we're meeting with Sandy and Debbie in Battle Creek and I'm excited to see them. Sunday I'm going to try and see some friends before heading back up to Big Rapids. I'm almost to Thanksgiving break, then Christmas break, then OMG THE END OF THE SEMESTER. I'm so proud of myself for not jumping off a building yet. :D

I got a 97% on my most recent Biochem exam. OMG I'M SO HAPPY.

A Tribute

I feel overwhelmed right now. Just absolutely overwhelmed. I worry about whether or not I'll make a good pharmacist, even as I struggle each day to even make it that far. Sometimes I even wonder if I have what it takes. All I do is go to class, study, go to class, study, and sleep/eat when I can. There are shameful moments when I can't even remember why I'm here.

Then I call Mike, and as always, he helps me to remember. If it weren't for him, I'm very sure I would've drowned a long time ago.

"One more time..."

I just found out something terrible, though in the end unfairly inevitable like almost everything else. My band director from fifth grade on and my friend, Mr. Denny Anderson, passed away recently. The contributions he made to Mt. Morris music can only be described as priceless, and the extent to which he touched the lives of each student who went through his program cannot be put into words. Everyone has a different story, but to me this man proved time and time again that no matter how difficult the notes were or how fast the tempo was, music could be made beautiful. Each and every solo that he chose for me I can remember thinking was far too difficult, but his confidence in my abilities far surpassed my own, and looking back now I find myself loving him for pushing me to my limits. It's only in these moments that we discover things about ourselves that we never knew existed.

He was loved overwhelmingly by my small town, and we'll never forget him.

OMG THE BIOCHEM TEST IS OVER AND I THINK I MIGHT'VE DONE PRETTY GOOD WE'LL SEE HOLY CRAP!!

I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT MYSELF A POT PIE TO CELEBRATE. MMMM POT PIE.

Ok I have to study Pharmaceutics now.
*choke*

Many apologies to those of you of whom haven't been able to get a hold of me with much success lately. I'm in one of my crazy I-want-to-kill-myself kind of weeks with another Biochem exam tomorrow and Pharmaceutics on Thursday which I won't even be able to study for at all until Biochem is over. I promise I haven't forgotten about you, I've just been extremely busy studying. Eventually this crap will break and I'll have a little breathing room, but it may be a few more days. In any case, I love you all and I'm thinking about you. :)

On a happy note, I'm offically half way through my first semester of pharmacy school. More importantly, I'm halfway to Christmas break. :D

If you can't say something nice....

O man, did I have a run-in with a guy today.

So there's this guy that lives down the opposite wing of my floor that came to me about a week and a half ago and asked if I could help him with his algebra. At the time I had just finished a terrible Biochem exam and I hadn't planned on doing any more of my own homework, so I told him I would if I could. Two hours later it's about midnight and he's still in my room, but finally I tell him I really need to get to bed and he leaves. Even though the process was a lot longer than I anticipated, I felt good to have helped him out, and he told me later that he did well on his exam, which made me feel even better.

He was very persistent about rewarding me somehow, which I was grateful for, but his only payment method was an offer to take me to the bar. Alone. With this random 6-foot guy I hardly even know. To be honest, I wasn't expecting any kind of payment anyway, it was a one time thing and I had the spare time to help him, so it wasn't a big deal. Anyway, I dodged his offers to go to the bar by telling him I was extremely busy with my own school work (which is a great excuse because it's always true), but I was always really nice about it.

SO, then this week is midterms of course, and I've got another gut-wrenching Biochem exam on Monday that I'm already studying my buns off for, and he comes to me again, wanting help with the same material. Only more of it, because this test is, afterall, a mid-term. I tell him that I'm very busy studying for some of my own exams but that if by any chance I do get caught up and have extra time, I'd let him know so I could help him. Well, I didn't get extra time, but that didn't stop him from trying his hardest to get me to help him anyway. Last night it got a little tense when he stopped by and asked what I was doing tonight. I said I had a study group in the evening but I wasn't sure how long it would take, but if I got done early enough perhaps I could help him. I told him that main campus does offer free tutoring however, because I was fully aware that I'm not the greatest resource--my own school work takes up the majority of my time. He told me that was bad advice. Bad advice he says! Like, the words came out of his mouth. "They're not available when I am" he says. So what about your professors? "Their office hours aren't convenient." Well, what about a separate appointment outside of office hours? "They can never help me long enough."

So, in a nutshell, apparently I'm his last hope. Which is bullshit by the way.

Today he walks by my room around dinner time, I'm watching TV and studying Biochem, and he says he'll be right back, as if he has something to tell me. Ok whatever. Well, he comes back with his books and calculator, and when he sees I'm busy working on my own stuff, he starts saying crap like, "Didn't we speak about this last night? I thought you agreed to help me." When I explain to him AGAIN that I have a study group and my own studying to do, it escalades to the point that he begins accusing me of lying to him and each time I try to talk he just talks over me, so then I have to shout--and I don't like shouting. In fact, I don't like confrontations at all. I get sick to my stomach, I shake, I feel scared, and worst of all, my intellect leaves. Even when people say something completely ridiculous I can rarely think of something to say back.

I finally asked him to leave, at which point he walks out my door and then continues to yell at me from the hall. He told me it "wasn't all about me." Which is painfully true of course. His midterm has nothing to do with me, and if he's not prepared then I certainly shouldn't be held responsible. I wanted to explain this to him, but I didn't want to shout anymore and I was really uncomfortable and just wanted him to leave. So I shut my door in his face. I didn't know what else to do.

I wish I had never helped him at all. What a jerk. :(

The Profession of Pharmacy

So today in my Profession of Pharmacy class we had a guest speaker instead of our normal instructor. I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to the majority of issues, but this guy was a jerk, and I would like to complain about him now. You don't have to listen(read).

He started off the lecture by announcing that the majority of us were in pharmacy school for the money which the profession could bring us throughout our lives. Although I realize that people such as this exist, I couldn't help but feel slightly insulted. I'm not going to say that the money isn't attractive to me--I have to pay back my college debt somehow--but money alone could never have gotten me to do this. If I merely wanted to make a ton of money, I would've found a less-expensive way to do it. One that wouldn't take seven years of my young (and "care-free) life and $150,00 of money I just don't have. I could drop out and be a stripper or something. I hear they make a lot of money these days--far more than a pharmacist.

He proceeded to tell us that at this early point in our professional education we don't really have a good reason to be here. We don't have "the passion" or the dedication that is needed to care for individuals for the rest of our lives, putting their needs (sometimes even at the threat of losing our license) before our own. Once again, I'll admit that the pharmacy profession in actual practice, with me in the driver's seat so to speak, is a very cloudy vision at this point. I want to be a good pharmacist and I'll do everything I can to become one, but just what experiences I'll encounter in my field are still very fuzzy. I haven't learned what all the drugs do (or even what they're called). I haven't been personally responsible for a patient the way I will be in a few short years. So maybe in this man's eyes--this man who has practiced pharmacy since before I was born--it may be easy to suggest that this means I have no passion or understanding. I only wish I would've had the guts to be defiant and tell him exactly what got me into this seat.

Passion is why I'm here, and if I didn't have a bottomless supply of it, I would've cracked up here after the second week. Because they were wrong--getting into pharmacy school is not the hardest part. Getting up everyday, spending the entire day in class, coming home every night and sacrificing time with friends, significant others, family, hobbies, and just about every other enjoyable thing you used to love--that's the hardest part. And perhaps the most difficult of all, to come through seven weeks of this mess and to sit here and honestly say that I still love pharmacy and want to do it with all my heart--that takes understanding, dedication, and passion that many people never experience for anything or anyone. The truth is, I sacrificed far more than I ever anticipated when I moved up here half a semester ago. I'm not even talking distance from Mike or my friends--that is at least tolerable. I'm talking my life has completely changed. And now it can never go back.

So I'm wet behind the ears. So I have a lot to learn. And yes, maybe I'm trying my hardest just to keep my head above the water. But I got here, I'm still going strong, and I'm still in love with my decision. Teach that in your classrooms. More importantly, teach the youthful to go after their dreams--not just to pursue a career that a high school counselor told them they would be good at. Once you've accomplished that, then you can tell me whatever you want about why I'm here.

It pays to be a nerd

In more ways than one. Oh-ho yes it does.

So this morning I went to the Pharm building after lab (in which I made vaginal suppositories and lip balm--o the joy) to speak with my Biochem professor about the results of my exam, and we went through my test together. She had actually marked off several points that I didn't get wrong, so now I have an ever-so-slightly better grade! :D I'm so happy! It still sucks, but hey, I take what I can get around here.

So it snowed this morning. Huffaw.

Yeah, I don't really have anything else.

MOO moo cow

Oh man! My Moo cards came today from Flickr! Business cards with my photos on them!! Look at how little they are--I love it!! I got ten for free, but you can have one hundred made, each with a different picture and/or text on the back for only twenty bucks. :D

And now for something completely random--I am the least stealthy class-skipper that ever lived. That is all.

Give me back my marker

I got the results from my Biochem exam back today and they weren't as fabulous as I was praying for. I thought about publicly flogging myself as punishment, but I realize that it wouldn't do much good. I've come to the humble admittance that there are just some things I'm really good at, like biology, and some things that I have to work my ass off just to get through, like Biochemistry. It's not even that I don't understand the subject--I take good notes in class, attend study groups, read the chapters, hell I even like the topics--but I have a feeling that I'm suddenly being held to a much higher standard than I ever was (in any class) at WMU. As they say, I'm a "doctorial-candidate"--I guess it's time to work on my A Game.

All is not lost. I improved more than ten percent from my last exam, and I fell into the class average this time. One of the two professors teaching the class (the crappy one) won't be teaching anymore, so I find that very encouraging. We're also getting into material that I'm much more familiar and comfortable with. I'm not going to sweat bullets over it for very long--the grades I'm pulling in my other classes are no less than a C and in the majority of them much higher than that.

In other news, some jerk-face stole the marker off my dry-erase board which I keep outside my dormroom doorway. Several people on my floor have these boards, including my friend Beth across the hall, and every person is suddenly lacking in their marker. *ANGER* So since then I've been going outside with one of my many spare markers to write something not-so-nice about the marker theif--like how immature he is or just that he's a jerk and should bring the markers back. So far I haven't managed to wound his ego enough to scare him back into replacing my marker, but I'll try harder.

I also attempted to use a new feature of my Blogger Beta thing last night and OMG it was so stressful. You can change your Blog template now in a different way than the typical Html coding of yesteryear, so I thought I'd try it out (me of all people, who knows remarkably little about Html anyway). The results were terrifying, and I panicked for a while that I may've lost my o-so-beloved Blogger layout which you're enjoying now. But alas, Blogger saved me a backup and I was able to revert back to my comfortable, sulty-black template with my beloved photo above my title (which you could NOT DO in Beta). Oh man, was I scared there for a little while though.

oh, and my pharmacy t-shirt came in today :D *SQUEE*

New Pic

Word up, yo.

I know. I'm not ghetto at all. :(

"..contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..."

- O Magazine

Do you want to touch my Halloweenie?

So it's that time of year again--October. This is my favorite month, have I ever told you that? I have the most pleasant memories associated with newly fallen leaves and trick-or-treating. Even the word October is pretty sexy, in my opinion. Of course with the approaching Halloween so close, people will start throwing up some decorations, most of which will involve using the Candy Corn color scheme incorrectly. OMG. Everyone has a weird, unnecessary pet peeve, and mine is seeing Candy Corn with orange on the bottom, instead of yellow. Honestly, I sometimes see this and feel the onset of a seizure coming on. It's WHITE, ORANGE, YELLOW PEOPLE OK?? This is what I like to call primary prevention. Before you can even screw it up, I'm letting you know how it's done, and that way we can avoid any messy errors.

In another two weeks I'll already be halfway through the rumored 'most difficult semester' in pharmacy school. I seriously hope that's true. I get my biochem exam results back either tomorrow or Tuesday and I'm really very nervous. That class is quite possibly the bane of my existence.

This is how I feel about my latest Biochem exam

Beta blockers

So it has come to my recent attention that since upgrading my Blogger to Blogger-Beta, I can no longer post comments in the Bloggers of non-Beta users. *ANGRY* So to make my life great, I would love it if you guys would consider switching for me. I mean you don't have to of course--but if you don't I'll be forced to be a silent reader and I'm not sure how well that will work out. ;)

Pharmacy school has given me a swift couple of kicks in the arse (and even a few well placed ones while I was still crying on the ground). I'm doing fine don't get me wrong, but it's definitely nothing like my experience at WMU. I feel like school has become a needy child, often demanding most if not all of my attention. I do triple the work and I've found it increasingly difficult to pull off the same grade level I did as an undergrad, but this is a mental barrier I knew I would reach eventually. Getting A's at WMU is what I did because I had to (otherwise I never would've made it here). From here on out it will be less about being top in my class and more about remaining in the class. I'm part of an elite group of individuals--I'm happy to merely be holding my own.

I get to see Mike this weekend and I'm so excited. Sometimes it's hard to remember what life was like when I got to see him everyday--but I remember enough to know that I can't wait to have it back. :)

My little slice of Heaven

This weekend my parents offered me a rare retreat from reality, and for a glorious twenty-four hours I forgot that I had anything to study for, and it was beautiful.

We went to the west side of the state to see my favorite lighthouse of all, Little Sable Pointe Light. If lighthouses could be described as photogenic, I would have to say that Little Sable is the most photogenic of all. I fell in love with it three years ago when I first came to WMU, and now, once again beginning another chapter in a new environment, I fell in love with it a second time. It's enchanting.

The weather cleared up just long enough for us to enjoy it. Dad and I climbed all the way to the top (160 steps--the largest lighthouse on Lake Michigan). I took dozens of great photos and spent a lovely evening in the sand with Mom and Dad. I missed them so much--I didn't have enough time to tell them all the things I've wanted to say... but as always, these retreats from reality are never long enough. I took from the sky and the rolling water the same thing I did back then--a soothing serenity that gave me new motivation. It reminded me of life's amazing potential.

I cried when they left. Oh how I wish everything that I love could be here with me. How I long for the day when I have the means to find that place I'll call Home.