Hootie Mac

is what I named the gold fish that is not a goldfish. And I bought a lab coat today. One of those honest-to-goodness white labcoats that real pharmacists wear. I can't wait to see it. :D

A sick, twisted case of the Mondays

Well now that Monday is over I'm pretty much halfway done with my week.

On my very first day of pharm school I had seven hours of class. Seven mentally-handicapping hours. It started at 8 am this morning with my first lab, Clinical Anatomy and Physiology, for three hours in the Science Building (the only class I have that is a more than a five minute walk from my dorm). Ten minutes after it concluded I had to be back in the Pharmacy Building for Integrated Lab lecture at eleven. After a short lunch break all 150 of us sat in the main lecture hall and had Medical Biochemistry, Clinical Anatomy/Physiology lecture, and the Profession of Pharmacy back to back to back until four o'clock. Count 'em up and that's five classes. Five. I only have seven classes in all, and that's including labs. Oh, and I already have three classes of homework.

Afterwards some of the pharmacy girls and I went to Meijer where I bought myself a fish. I'm not really sure what kind of fish it is, and the only way to describe it is that it's gold but not a goldfish. I enjoy him though--he takes a small piece of the loneliness away. My pharmacy buddy across the hall, Beth, and I went to McDonald's afterwards in a severely premature avoidance of dorm food. Now here I am, already wishing I didn't have homework.

In general I thought the day went well. I feel well prepared for my Anatomy/Physiology class, though I'm sure from time to time I'll need to review. There are no pre-reqs of either subject to get into pharm school, but I've already taken introductory courses in each so I'm not a total stranger to the subject. Integrated Lab seems too much like Gen Chem for my tastes, but the material we covered today was easy enough (once more just a few things I need to review). My Biochem professor spent a long period of time telling us how difficult it will be to get an A, and that the effort we used to put into an A will only barely get us a C in his class. So he's an optimist I can tell. The Profession of Pharmacy seems enjoyable. Nothing to memorize or calculate--just good old common sense issues about being in a professional setting with sick old people.

Tomorrow I don't have class until one and I'm done by three. In other words, the complete opposite from today. :D

*whew* So that was my first day. I survived. I am now officially a pharmacist in training. ^_^

There's nothing "big" about Big Rapids

No one on my floor keeps their door open. What the bloody hell is up with that? Even more peculiar, everyone in my building is 21 or over except my RA, who is about to turn 19 in a few days. There's got to be something wrong with an 18 year old being in charge of 60+ legal drinkers.

I made quite an honest effort to not be a hermit in my room all day, and ventured out into the great outdoors to explore a little. In general I like Ferris. Everything is so neat and pretty, and the university has made every attempt to promote school spirit by branding every trash can, sign, and even the napkins with a cute little bulldog.

Someone on my floor has a dry-erase board outside their doorway and drew a picture of a huge cardinal eating a bulldog on it. In all capital letters at the top a message declared, "GO CARDS!" I suppose you'd have to see the picture itself for it to have true effect, but I laughed out loud right there in the middle of the hallway full of shut doors.

I went to the Rec Center and honest-to-God worked out for forty-five minutes. It was glorious and now my butt hurts, but in the "no I didn't have anal sex!" kind of way.

Class starts tomorrow and I'm feeling my usual pre-semester anxiety about it. It doesnt' help that Mondays appear to be my worst day of the week class-wise.

My AIM isn't working as some of you may have noticed (*cough* KRISTEN *cough cough*), and perhaps even more irritating is my inability to upload pictures to my Flickr account. But! I do have internet, so all is not lost. Once I find out who is responsible for my lack of instant messaging abilities however, I think spankings will be in order. Nice, firm spankings.

*ABRUPT ENDING*

Details people, DETAILS!

Orientation was yesterday and went very well. All of my classes are in one building (and all of the lectures are in the same room even) and that's where I got to meet my 149 fellow classmates and every professor I'll ever have for the next four years. The Dean of Pharmacy seemed extremely friendly (and British *giggle*) and spent the first ten or so minutes of his speech congratulating us on our acceptance into his program. He also informed us that collectively this year's students have the highest average GPA of any class, and that we suffered through the most competitive admissions process. Apparently the waiting list has stopped at 234.

I was impressed over and over throughout the day at just how exceptional the pharmacy program is. I knew long before applying to FSU that Ferris was looked highly upon in regards to the new pharmacists it graduates each year, but I didn't realize just how good it was until yesterday. I feel truly privileged to be a part of it, and to think that in four years I'll be a professional. It's difficult to not get caught up in the excitement and chaos of the process. We took the Oath of a Pharmacist and received our class schedules as well as a tour of the pharmacy building. After having our pictures taken we went outside for a BBQ cookout where we got to speak to second year pharmacy students and meet other members of our own class.

Overall everything seems so different from my years at WMU. Pharm school will be more specific and I'll spend each and every day with the same individuals over the next four years. Even when I went to buy a few of my books I felt different than the other students. Certainly not better--just detached in a way I can't really describe. I had my student ID made and I bought a new calculator at Walgreens with the generous help of my new friend Beth who lives across the hall from me. She's also a first year pharmacy student with the exact same schedule and meal plan as me, so we quickly got aquainted. :)

My dorm room is finally set up and everything has a place. Well, everything except the futon which I forgot the nuts and bolts to, preventing me from putting it together. It's not fancy, and it's certainly not the apartment I shared with Mike, but having my things all around me gives it a more welcoming appeal. In due time I'll call it home, but for now I'm content to think of it as a temporary cinderblock environment.

I miss Kalamazoo, and everything and everyone I left behind. I'm busy enough that the feeling doesn't overwhelm me, but it still exists. I'm comforted thinking that each day that passes is another day closer to the end of this chapter. I'm proud of myself for coming this far and not giving up. Monday class will start and I'll be knee-deep in homework--doing exactly what I do best.

I've made the transition

I'm here. I've done it.

Today my life changed again. Today I moved to a new city, a new school, where I'll meet new friends and try to keep up with new classes. I'm in a dorm room again for the first time in three years, and my first thought upon walking into it was almost comically simple--"Oh my God, I'm in a dorm again." Truly, that about sums it up.

This morning I left my apartment, Mike, Kalamazoo, WMU, my friends, the comfortable, and didn't look back. Certainly not because those things don't mean the world to me, but because I knew if I looked back I wouldn't have the courage to surge forward. I wouldn't be able to squash all the fear and sadness beneath that frail curtain of hope and excitement that I found myself clinging to for dear life all day. If I looked back, my eyes would've clouded with tears, and I would've turned around.

I said goodbye to Mike out in the parking lot, in the rain. The day I never wanted to come, yet so desperately hoped for, is finally here. And as I watched his car until I couldn't see it anymore (and even long after it had disappeared), I realized that I loved him more in that moment than I ever had before. I loved him for letting me go enough to let me do this. For being completely unselfish. For loving me so much.

I don't really have a lot of time to collect myself. My room looks like a department store threw up in it, and I have orientation bright and early tomorrow. I have to get my student ID, my laundry card, my meal plan, and unpack the parts of my life I brought with me. And class starts on Monday--with lots of homework I'm sure.

I'll be back. Happier, healed, and with more details. Probably tomorrow. For now, I need to find my pillow.

I'm Ready

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become." -- Mirela

Tomorrow is my last day living in Kalamazoo, and I'm excited to start something new. I've got a ton of crap to finish before I go, but the night will conclude with an awesome dinner with friends and one final evening in my apartment with Mike. I'm no longer afraid to go--I know it will be fine. But as I sit here in the final hours and think about how my life will be so different in only a few days... I read this quote and cling to it with hope. Maybe something tremendously rewarding will come from this. Maybe this one thing is worth waiting for, and someday I'll look back and be hopelessly grateful that I was brave enough to go through with it. I do it for me, for you, for the children I have yet to have, and for the life I long to live. So here I go--it's finally time to chase that dream.

I'll see you in Big Rapids. :)

Oh Man.

I GOT MY LICENSE!!!!

Mike: Hey sweetie, I forgot to flush the toilet when I was in there--could you do it for me?
Me: What the hell are you going to do when I'm gone?

I can't complain...

...I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm busy, with barely enough time to get it all done. So many things have worked out exactly how they were meant to. I procrastinated about renting the Uhaul trailer for this Wednesday only to find out a few days ago that I actually can't move until Thursday (due to where my last name falls in the alphabet). Last week I complained to Mike about our lack of even one day together in which we had nothing else to do but spend time with one another before I left--now we have that entire Wednesday to ourselves. My road test (on Tuesday) is also no longer the day before I leave. I'm calmer about moving in general. The change will be hard but it should be. I love the people I'm leaving behind, and if it weren't difficult to say goodbye than what the hell kind of person would I be anyway?

A big part of me becomes increasingly excited to go with each passing day. I'm going on to graduate school to begin the final stretch of my academic career, and I know I'm smart enough, I know I'll love it, and I know it'll go by in the blink of an eye. I'll meet new people, go to new places, and grow. It's a new adventure.

Kate and Maureen moved into an apartment three buildings down from Mike and myself (!!!). I love having them so close but I'm sad I'll only get to enjoy it for a few more days. They made us some yummy dinner tonight and it was a mere three-minute walk back to my place afterwards. :D Today I saw Shruti for the last time before I leave. I had a great time with her--we went out to eat just the two of us and then hit up the mall for some shopping--but it was difficult to give her a hug goodbye not knowing when I'll see her again.

All my things are in boxes. My pictures are packed away. Now it's time to live it up. :D

Bye bye Bailey

WMU celebrated today (albiet silently) the termination of Judith Bailey from the position of president of the university. Since I came to Kalamazoo in fall of '03, the cost of attendance has been raised over $4,000, enrollment has decreased significantly, and programs have been cut. She has developed a terrible reputation for herself and lost the support of her staff and student body alike. She has shown not an ounce of respect for the kids who make her university happen (not to mention provide the money for her $325,ooo a year paychecks). Perhaps the icing on the cake--the graduating classes of Spring 2006 received their degrees in the gymnasium, including my friend Dave who coughed up enough money in tuition and various other fees which should've earned him a more glamorous celebration. This isn't f-ing high school. These students deserved far better for their hard work. Some people feel sorry that she was so harshly let go. I say she had it coming.

In other news, today was my final day at Sindecuse Pharmacy. They threw quite the party for me--a five-foot sub, homemade brownies, chips, and every beverage under the sun. I received cards (with giftcards inside!) and lots of hugs and well-wishes. Even Jackie, the one pharmacist who had today off, came in to say goodbye. I will miss every single one of them. Even in the last few hours of my shift they continued to provide me with heaps of support and confidence in my abilities, assuring me of what a wonderful pharmacist I'll be someday (*blushes*). I was extremely sad to walk out those doors one last time. I learned so much in that pharmacy--but I know I'll be back in it again counting pills someday. I can feel it.

So now I have one week until I leave. Tomorrow night I'm heading back to the Mountain for a short overnight visit to pick up my minifridge and vaccination records from the High School, and of course say goodbye to the folks.

Next Tuesday at 4 pm I take my road test. The day before I leave. But as much as I'd rather be doing something totally different for that stressful forty-five minutes, I want so badly to move on with my life. I know I can do it--I don't handle failure very well.

But any advice would be greatly appreciated. :D

Some Girl Time

Whew! I've had quite the busy weekend so far.

Friday I worked at the pharmacy all day and tried to schedule my driving test for next weekend (all time slots were taken--ANGRY BLACK CLOUD), and Mike left for up north until Monday afternoon. Kate and Maureen spent Friday night at my place so that we could get up early on Saturday and go to their parents house for a belated birthday party! Kate did my hair and it looks fabulous--I'll have picture later. The birthday party was a ton of fun and the food was great (and FREE!). Today we got up early again to make it back home to Kalamazoo.

Thursday my friends Beth and Christina from the Mountain came to visit me!! I haven't seen Beth since Spring Break and I hadn't seen Christina since last summer. We stayed up until three in the morning talking and spent all of Thursday catching up, shopping, and eating Qdoba. :) It was great fun and I can't wait to see them again.

Tonight Jillian and Chris are spending the night--and I have to get packing!!

This past week has been really rough. There's just so much to do and the stress is starting to bring me down--not to mention I keep thinking about what's about to happen as if it were some horrible negative thing (and not the one thing I've been waiting so long to have). This weekend was really good for me though. I needed a break from the usual to remind me what was important, and to prove to myself that although it will be difficult, I can do this. I've dealt with far worse before, and I believe now that in the end this new change will be extremely good for me. There will be times when I'll be sad or cry, but my life is unfolding and starting to bloom--I'm happy to be on the right track with so many goals and surrounded by people who truly care.

My girlfriends have been great. Beth and Christina let me get all my worries and frustrations off my chest, and Kate and I reflected for hours on just how much has happened in the past three years. So many circumstances (some that have been horrible!) which have led us to this place and time and it's amazing sometimes how things work out just how they're supposed to. I'm leaving WMU with far more than I ever could've imagined when I first came. Great friends, my soulmate, a good educational foundation, and a sturdy maturity that has taken a while to develop completely. I've formed some truly rewarding relationships. I've found myself and discovered what I want to do with my life.

My last day of work at Sindecuse is this upcoming Wednesday, and I move a week from then. I'll be sad to go, but I'm happy to be pursuing all this. I know I'll do fine--I know somehow I'll find a way to thrive. :)

The roller coaster

Me: What if you get tired of waiting for me to get out of school, some better girl comes along, and we tragically break up?
Mike: I can't break up with you. You'll have my futon.

I did it. I bought the laptop. It was hard to spend that much money on myself, but I discussed it in depth with Mike, my mom, his mom, and my inner monologue. I have notebooks and notebooks and notebooks of hand written notes which I've acquired over the past three years, and I think at this point with grad school only two weeks away that I deserve to leap into the 21st century. Much like school itself, it'll be an investment that will save me a lot of time and energy. I like to think of it as a school supply.

It's a Gateway--nothing too flashy or fancy, and it's certainly no top of the line Mac. But it's perfect for the purpose I wish to use it for, and I love it. I think it's pretty.

Today I had my second TB test done at Sindecuse, and tonight Beth is visiting me from the Moutain with her friend Christina. Friday Kate is spending the night, and Saturday I'm going with her overnight to her parents' house. Next weekend I want to take my driving test (!!). I still have to visit home and pack, and Mike is leaving tomorrow for Traverse City and won't be back until Monday.

Everyday is full. Every moment is occupied. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to laugh. Mostly I just want to slow down.

This is me, smiling through tears

Oh my God. Two and a half weeks. I wish I had no concept of time right now. I wish I could enjoy it all without hearing that ticking clock in the back of my mind. I wish I didn't have so damn much to do before those two weeks are gone. How I wish I could spend each and every moment laughing, loving, and holding on. It all seems so dramatic. So life-changing. I can picture it in my mind but I wonder if it will be better than I imagine or worse.

I'm worried that all I need to get accomplished I won't be able to. My liscense. Packing up my life. Visiting home. Mentally and emotionally preparing myself for a massive change. Each day I wake up one day closer and it scares the crap out of me. Maybe it shouldn't--but it does.

On a good day I see my life as exactly where I want it to be right now. I've got a wonderful family, great friends who love me, a stable, happy relationship, and the graduate school of choice coming my way. But on a bad day all I can think about is how different it will be very soon, and how hard life sometimes is when it changes. I've tackled many fears in the past several weeks head-on, and although I still have a few more to go, I find myself struggling to stay on my feet. I know everything will be ok but I'd rather not find out if I'm right the hard way.

When this is all over and I'm there, I'm going to pat myself on the back. When I lay in bed that first night trying to find sleep, I'm going to tell myself how proud I am for going through with it--for not taking the easier route. I know the pay off for all this will be almost immediate. One thing I learned in my three years at WMU (and in almost every realm of my life) is to never settle for less. This is life, and here it comes.

Here it comes fast.

Leftovers and laptops

I hate leftovers. I never used to, but for some reason in all my bad eating habits since coming to college I've developed an extremely picky taste when it comes to leftovers. I always save uneaten food for the next day with the intention that it'll be great to not have to pay for or cook another meal, but when the next day comes and I open up that tupperware container I always cringe in disgust. Most of the time I don't know why. The food looks and smells exactly the same, and after a quick trip to the microwave it usually tastes the same as well. But for some reason I have some psychological issue with eating food which I've already eaten once. Just thinking of it makes me want to go to Wendy's and get myself a nice six piece chicken fingers, fresh out of the frying pan. Mmm.

Yesterday I had my blood drawn for some lab tests for the first time in my life. I didn't like it that much. Getting shots are a lot more enjoyable in my opinion, and they don't have to leave the needle in there as long. Not to mention it was a little creepy to see that long tube full of my own blood.

Last night I went out to Pappy's with Mike and Kate's gang to continue our celebration of her birthday. It's great to get together with everyone right now because I know starting soon I'll be super busy getting ready to leave and I won't be able to hang out like this. Everything is changing and even though I feel like it's all so exciting, I can't help but feel scared and anxious too. I hope this change is good. I hope I can make it through. I can't lose all I've aquired here--I love it all too much.

I'm about to go shopping (!!!!) for the first time in forever. I haven't bought myself anything in so long, and pharm school has a dress code even for regular classes. I have to kind of dress business casual-like, so I want to get a few new things. I'm also thinking of getting an extremely cheap laptop (Mike says Best Buy has one for under four hundred dollars right now) to take notes with in my classes. I'll be getting $340 back from my apartment's security deposit, so that's a lot of money I forgot I even had. I haven't decided yet. It would be really nice to not have to hand-write notes anymore, and I think typing notes would be a lot more efficient (not to mention it would keep me awake). We'll see. I'm afraid to spend any money lately.

I need to find a home for my parakeets.

Happy Birthday Kate!! :*

Dave King remarking on the Geek Squad...
Me: I can't even go in there and ask for Michael McDonald. They have no idea who that is. I have to ask for "Agent M."
Dave: Geez. It's like Dungeons and Dragons only he gets paid for it.
Me: Exactly.

So the internet hasn't been the only technology giving me a hard time lately. My cell phone battery sucks a nut too, and I'm planning on replacing it before I go to Ferris in three weeks. Let me give you an example of how crappy it is. I worked on Wednesday and Shruti called to leave me a voicemail. I listened to the voicemail, called back and left my own voicemail, and that was it. The whole process took about five minutes. It drained my entire battery. Seriously, this happens all the time now and I want to throw it against a wall. *sigh* This is just another thing to add to my long list of Reasons Why I Hate Verizon Wireless. Depending on how expensive batteries are I may just get a new phone if that's possible.

Let's see, it's been mega hot lately and holy crap. I hope that nonesense goes away.

Yesterday I got a tetanus and hep B shot for pharm school, and I still have to have some lab work done and another TB test at Sindecuse. This whole process should wipe out my next paycheck--awesome. I hate money anyway and always try to get rid of it as fast as possible. No that's a lie.

So yesterday was Kate's 21st birthday (EEE!!!!) , so the gang got together and went out to Logan's steakhouse to celebrate with her. It was a ton of fun and tonight we're going out again because some of her friends from home will be in town. She seemed like she had a really great time. It's becoming a pain for me to buy drinks though. Since turning 21 in July I think there have been four or five times that I've wanted to have a tasty mixed drink with my meal, and at least three of those times I've had trouble proving I'm actually 21. I have a Michigain State ID (as opposed to a driver's license) which is vertical and expires in July of '07. In red letters at the top it says that I'm under 21 until 07/05/06. So the thing is legit as long as you read it. But of course servers don't want to take the time to do that. One even brought over her manager and told him my ID was expired and I wasn't 21. Uggggh. If it's going to be this much trouble I might as well just have a coke with my meal. It's cheaper and usually tastes better.

I haven't even started packing like I was planning to this weekend. I'm such a slacker. I'm really going to have my work cut out for me when the time comes, but I figure next weekend will be a great opportunity. Mike is going up north to his family's cabin on Thursday night and he won't be back until Tuesday, so I'll definitely get a lot done that weekend.

I have less than two weeks of work left. Less than three weeks until I'm gone. Geez.

I'VE GOT THE INTERNETZ!!!

Sorry about my long absence--I've been without internet since the last time I updated. I mean like, no internet at all. I couldn't even check my email and it was torture. All I have to say about this is that Charter sucks very large, hairy donkey balls. Very very large and extremely hairy.

I'll make a longer update later which will include all the past week's delightful experiences, but for now I have to leave it at this and go to the clinic before it closes to get some vaccinations for pharm school. And I'm so behind on my journal checking. So behind.

Until then, pippy-pip!