AHHHHHH!

I almost just set my hair on fire. My blowdryer, which I've had since my freshmen year of high school, started sparking like crazy today while I was drying my hair. Good thing I was in front of a mirror and saw the sparks before I went up in flames. O_O

Here's the Fill-Up

Life's been a blur lately. School has been hectic with not only midterms but an odd rush of quizzes, projects, and reading. The week after spring break will be almost as bad, for all those professors who didn't make the midterm deadline.

Mike's mother underwent quad bypass surgery recently at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio. The procedure was successful, which is great news--hopefully she will make the lifestyle changes necessary to prevent this from happening again. She's been granted a second chance. Even though I'm very glad she's okay, I actually feel worse for Mike than I do for her; it's an odd feeling of mine to even try to explain. There he is, being accused of never being there except for weddings and heart attacks (and they laugh as if it's a friendly joke), and I occasionly wonder how that makes him feel. I feel to a certain degree as if he's being blamed for her mistake, and it hurts. But perhaps after all this time it doesn't hurt him anymore. Maybe he's over it. For me, with Mike still a relatively new addition to my life and his situation tender and fresh in my mind, it's at times difficult for me to hold my peace. I know everything about Mike--from the way he likes his grilled cheese sandwiches to the color straw he wants with his Slurpee. And I wonder... what do these people know? They've been absent from his life since he was very, very young. How can they tell him what to do when it comes to his mother, when she gave that right up so long ago? Even so, he loves her in the way a child almost has to love a mother, and I respect that. I'm glad even, of that capacity to forgive. In many ways, he's certainly a better person than I am.

So we're into Spring Break now, and much like every spring break before it, it's come just in time. I can think back to my freshmen year spring break, and how I thought it would somehow repair the damage to my relationship with Andy. Perhaps the magic of a tropical land would heal it somehow. And then last year it was a much needed retreat from the drama of my apartment. This year, I just need a break from it all--from work, from homework, and from Kalamazoo in general.

Beth and Matt aren't coming until late tomorrow night, and I'm so excited. Of all my friends in high school, Beth has been the one that I've seen on a very regular basis since my graduation. I've shared some awesome memories with her, and I can't believe this is the first time we've ever gone on an actual trip together.

Later Mike and I are heading out to spend an evening with the Battle Creekers before we leave. Until then, I've got just enough homework to keep me busy, and plenty of cleaning to do. heh, all my favorite things.

Behind These Hazel Eyes

Oh my goodness NEW BLOG!!! WooooOOOoooo!

I'd write more, but after this week, my brain needs a little relaxation. I'll see ya on the flipside. :D

Betherina

Me: So I was in bed the other day when I heard Mike sneeze in the other room--and I realized that I can hear him quite clearly through the walls. Then I realized, man! I'm gonna have to be quiet when Beth and Matt come to visit. Or you know, I could just bite my pillow or something.
Beth: Pfft, don't bother. We'll make it a contest!
---------------------------------

So I was thinking about making over my blogger again using this picture in place of the dragon, and of course a different template to match the colors. Any thoughts?

The House-Sitting Experience

PHOTOS!!! *foams*

I'm back from house-sitting, and it sure feels nice to have to sleep in my own bed again. Even if it's not nearly as comfortable as Alice's.

She had a beautiful home, and gave me free rein over practically everything--the food, the Tiki Bar, the hot tub, the King sized bed, the washer and dryer, etc, etc. It was like going to a hotel that pays you. And with all that temptation I'm proud of myself for not being terribly greedy--although I did spend ridiculous amounts of time in the hot tub.

Kate and Dave got to come over and visit, which I was very glad about--I knew Kate would get a kick out of that bar. At one point we were all in the steamy water in 8 degree weather and it was snowing--for some reason I never imagined I'd be able to tolerate being in a bathing suit, outdoors, in the dead of winter. But let me tell you, the dash back into the house afterwards was horrid.

But like I said, it's good to be back. My entire apartment might fit in their living room, but it's mine and there's no place like it. I've got a big week ahead of me--a quiz, presentation, and two midterms. But after that I'm free and clear for Beth and Matt, Chicago, and another just-in-time spring break.

Off we go.

The Sleepy Musings

A decent sized update to my photo gallery. Justsome random stuff, including these guys which I've coined my "vodka" dragons--each is named after a type of vodka. The smallest one, Blavod, I thought was very clever--his scales are black and Blavod is a black vodka (according to the website anyway). They're Windstone Editions created by M. Pena--she's very well known for her work in animal anatomy and three demensional mythical art. Of course her dragons are my favs. I want all of them--which is too bad really cause they're not cheap and I think there are about thirty of them. Ah well, someday.

Tomorrow I'll be heading out to house-sit for the pharmacist tech I work with. I think it'll be pretty enjoyable actually--a great reprieve before the insanity of week-before-spring break. And money. Heck yes money.

I have some dreadful news. Brute van Mansteak has passed on to fishy heaven. I'm oddly sad about this. I'm not gonna lie--he was just a goldfish. But I really really liked him. He was very pretty, and always so alive. He actually hadn't died before I flushed him. He just couldn't swim or do anything except lay there on the rocky bottom and breathe slowly... and after a while I decided that perhaps a quick death would be more merciful than a slow starvation. Even so, I feel responsible for this. Perhaps he would've lived for a much longer time had I just transfered him to his old aquarium after last week's episode--but it can't be undone. Ah well... that's nature for you.

I'm very happy that tomorrow is Friday. It feels like it's been forever since I've slept in past seven and the days are always packed. I get up, go to work for four or five hours, go to class for four or five hours, come home and do homework until around nine or ten, then go to bed. Even weekends fly by. Luckily, I still find myself enjoying my time. School is even more challanging than ever and it's tough to juggle the job along with it--but at the end of the day I feel good about myself. Somehow I always find time to squeeze in a movie with Mike, or lunch with a friend. Occasionally I'm amazed at my own ability to prioritize. At this stage of the game college is about getting through the day and living up the moments--I'm glad I've learned to accomplish both.

Thank goodness for Mike. It seems silly, but we rarely get opportunities, even living together, to actually relax and do anything (at least during the week). But everyday when I come home he greets me with the same smile and hug, and I'm so happy for his support. The two of us have a long and winding road ahead, and I used to be afraid of the bumps we'd come across. The truth is, out of everything that's ever touched me, he's the most permanent force in my life, perhaps aside from my family. He's like my cruise control when I'm too tired to push the gas pedal anymore. And sometimes I need that.

I had lunch with Shruti today. Since we don't have class together anymore, it's hard to find time between school, homework, my job, and her lab work to find time to hang out--but apparently we're both free on Thursdays around lunchtime . And Mike loved his CD. :)

School, you know how it is

Today I thought for a while about how college students learn. For most of us, myself included, we're not expected to do much more than memorize and regurgitate information, facts, and equations. This works great for a while, but then you graduate to a higher level of learning in which knowing the material suddenly isn't good enough anymore. Now you've got to relate it to other things and understand how the processes work--to the point that memorizing the facts isn't even necessary anymore, because you've got the whole image of it in your head. What sucks about this process is that the wake-up call comes too late--I wish I could've learned like this when I was a freshmen. Sure it would've been more difficult, but imagine how adapted I would be today. The mere thought of it makes me hope that by the time I get to pharmacy school I will have mastered the technique. For now though, the game of catch-up is as frustrating as it is elevating. Learning material these days seems the same, but every now and then I have a revelation in which I connect what I just learned with something else and suddenly I understand why. Suddenly those regurgitated facts aren't just notes I scribbled quickly in my notebook--they take on a whole new meaning.

I thought about this in Biochem, and afterwards I didn't feel so badly that I did poorly on the first exam. I've just got to think in a different gear.

And so long as we're on the subject of biochem, here's a virus, and some DNA. WooO!

Brute Update: He's in critical condition again--I'm not sure he'll recover this time. I'm pretty sure there's some serious brain damage going on. If he's not better by tomorrow... I might have to flush him. *cringes*

So gruesome. There must be a better way.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Today in Religions of the World we watched the end of Passion of the Christ. Worst. Thing. Ever. That could happen today. Great movie, very well made--don't get me wrong--but it's just a little too moving if you know what I mean. I always watch it, start feeling really solemn at first, then really disturbed, then really guilty, then pretty soon I feel all choked up. I'm not a fan of feeling choked up in class. Pfffffft. Not to mention that Passion of the Christ isn't really one of those movies you watch just for kicks. When I saw it the first time I thought to myself, "I'm really glad I saw that, because I learned a lot and (more importantly) I felt a lot, but I hope I never have to see it again." And that pretty much sums it up.

Valentine's Day was good. Mike left me notes apparently all over the place but I read a little too far into his first note and only searched a single room (absolutely positive that he hadn't hidden any anywhere else) for forty-five minutes only to eventually give up. Then I found one in the bathroom. Shit! Then I was really confused. When he got home from work he had to guide me to the others. I suck. :-(

We exchanged our little gifts and went out to dinner. It was a nice evening. I totally missed the Shield though which isn't good--I slept through last week's. >_<

I'm writing my Women's Studies paper on donor insemination in homosexual familes. Partly because it's such a huge topic these days, and partly because I'm just plain interested. And I'm sick of writing papers about abortion. But let's not open that can of worms.

I'm so tired already and it's only Wednesday. Hurry up spring break.

Let's Roll

It's a rare person who can make me literally laugh out loud during an AIM conversation. Shruti's got the gift though.

Shruti: wikipedia says my name is an 'error.' Sheesh.
Me: *snicker*
Shruti: hey, shush!
Me: you're an error. OOOPS!
-------------------------------------------
Mike: What're you laughing at? You guys are probably joking about DNA replication aren't you? I know that right-handed double helix must be sooooooo funny!
-------------------------------------------

In all seriousness (because you had to know there would be some of that), Mike's mom is being sent to Cleveland Clinic in Ohio. She's being put on the heart transplant list. Traditional surgery is out of the question--her heart is way too small. I'm worried--I don't like the idea of so many tricky complications with such a vital part of the body (and it doesn't get more vital than that). Let's hope for the best. Medicine is amazing these days, and who knows what sort of new treatments are available. I just hope in the end she's ok.

I'm really excited to house-sit for Alice this weekend. I might just spend the entire time getting wrinkly in the hot tub. I also can't believe how fast Spring Break is coming. I'm so pumped to go to Chicago, especially with Beth and Matt--I feel like I haven't seen them in forever.

I had a test over all 206 bones in the human body today, and all I can think about are femurs and occipital bones. I think it's time to sleep.

Me: It's a game. A game between you and the yellow lights. And the yellow lights always kick your ass.

We've all got limits

--------------------------------
Mike: Are they 20 ounces?
Me: I'm not sure. I don't know how much 20 ounces is. But I can tell you whatever you want to know about DNA replication.

Happy Birthday Daddy!!

Me, South Park Style

Any Likeness?

The Thursday Overload

I've had an eventful 24 hours, let me tell you. Ok, I will.

Last night I was supposed to visit my co-worker Alice, whom I'll be house-sitting for next weekend, so she could show me around and such. Now, I expected her to live in a nice house and everything, but I never imagined what I finally got to see. She lives in a gigantic house, with a tiki bar and hot tub.

That's right. I said a tiki bar and hot tub. And she's paying me to stay here all weekend.

O
M
G

It'll be like a mini-vacation before my vacation. I'm soooooo excited! :-D

Well after that Mike gets a call from his sister and she informs him that his mom is in the hospital again after having bad chest pains. She recently had a heart attack (around Christmas time) and the balloon they put in her artery isn't working--so she has that blockage as well as a new one. The doctors say her heart is too small to operate on, but a surgeon was coming in today to have a look himself. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out ok--something more permanent than medication needs to be done. Mike's doing really well with it--he's definitely better at not freaking out during emergencies than I am, though I can tell he's very worried. So if praying is what you do, give her a thought for me. Every little bit helps.

We spent the night in East Lansing with his sister and got up early this morning to visit his mom in the hospital. We got back in Kzoo just in time to go to class at 11.

I got my first biochem exam results back today, and they're just as bad as I was expecting--I haven't done that poorly on a test since freshmen year. Luckily, I've heard from several people that this one is the worst of Stapleton's exams and it gets much better from here on out. It also helped that not a whole lot of people did very well at all--I'm not the only one up shit-creek. o_O I studied my butt off for that one too--read all the chapters, did all the example problems, took great notes in class... then wham. The exam raped me where the sun don't shine. In my defense, it didn't help that the professor was gone for almost half the material that was covered on the test.

On a brighter note, I've done very well on all my other exams. I aced my Religions exam and I know I did very well on my first Anatomy exam--I studied that one to death. Labs have been just fine too.

So that was my Thursday. Thank goodness I can launch into the weekend now. In conclusion I leave you with this:

Mike: Wanna touch my whale bacon?

Friggin' Geek Squad Jacket-Thing

Mike: Do you think I look hot in my Geek Squad jacket?
Me: Awww.... are you feeling self-conscious? Or are you just fishing for compliments?

Ode to Mother

Whenever I think of the friends who have made a real difference in my life,
I think of the one I can talk to, really open my heart to, because she understands me...
And I think of the friend I have fun with, just doing whatever, whenever, because if feels so good to be together...
I think of the friend I can count on, the one that I turn to so often,
because I know she'll never let me down...
And I think of the friend who inspires me, who always can keep me believing in me because she does...
And I think of how lucky, how blessed I have been to have her in my life--

My mother, my friend.

--Karen Ravn

The Polymerase Shuffle

O
M
G

Funniest thing ever.

Brute's Brush with Death

Damn, I almost killed Brute van Mansteak today--it was tragic.

I got him a new fishbowl the other day that's supported on these curly iron legs, so it's kind of modern-looking and stylish. Anyway, the thing only holds around a gallon of water--though he's had smaller, this new bowl is consequently one and a half gallons less than his old aquarium. But all goes fine, and today I'm snuggled up on the couch with my Anatomy notes studying when I happen to look up and see Brute in a dreadful state--the poor guy is swimming practically upside down in a jerky, irratic fashion.

I of course get alarmed--I've had this damn goldfish for almost three years and he's amazing in ways goldfish shouldn't even be amazing. So I immediately clean his bowl (which I'd done a week prior) and feed him and stare at him for a half an hour while trying to determine if I'd have to break down and flush him. Because that would be as gruesome as it would heartbreaking.

But thankfully over the course of twenty or so minutes he starts to swim rightside up again, and his fins puff back up like normal. I breathed a sigh of relief. I can't believe I almost suffocated my 2+ year old goldfish that I bought at Meijer for $0.79 and dropped on the floor as soon as the pet lady put him in one of those plastic bag-things. We've got history, Brute and I. We understand each other.

So in summary, another successful night on Emergency Vets: Kalamazoo! I'll keep you posted in case he slips back into critical condition--I can't keep his fanbase out of the loop.

Quotes of the Day

-----------------------------------------
"Also.... I can kill you with my brain."
~River, Firefly


"And sheesh...about the Mike-dude... get him a bullet-proof vest. I'd
HATE to lose you!"
~Shruti

The Chicken or the Egg?

Which came first, the nucleic acid or the protien? If protein regulates DNA replication and transcription, and DNA makes proteins, how are we even here?
----------------------------

The weekend was good. I'm finally over my cold and I got a lot of work done, both domestic and school-related. Mike and I went out to Dave's house to enjoy the SuperBowl with the Battle Creek-ers last night, though I think the veggie tray consumed more of our attention than the game. ^_^ Saturday I got to see the Fox boys (Andy, James, and Jeremy) at my place for dinner and Cranium. I'd forgotten how hilarious (and utterly retarded) they are. I actually helped Kate cook. *gasps!* I sure wish I could fit more than 1.5 persons in my kitchen though.

I think I might house-sit for one of the pharmacy techs a week from Friday to earn some extra money for Spring Break. Plus I can eat her food. >:D Work has been good--I'm looking forward to not doing it this weekend.

Today I thought about pharmacy school again, though for a change it was actually positive. Even though I'm not holding my breath for it, I've thought once or twice about how I would react if I was accepted for this fall. I imagine a lot of joyous screaming, crying, and smothering Mike in happy kisses would occur. I think I'd want to surprise my parents--I'd be doing it as much for them as for myself. April will not come soon enough... either way.


And just because it's almost The Dad's birthday and he deserves some super-dad recognition, here's a few words to live by that he has his whole life:

"This above all: to thine ownself be true... and so it must follow, as the night the day. Thou cannot then be false to any man."

A matter of the heart

I cannot believe the amount of people who drag themselves out of bed to go to a pharmacy on Saturday morning. I'd have to be really sick personally, but then I suppose that's the point.

Sorry about my last post, and thanks for the phone calls. I'm just fine actually. Better than I've been in a while. For the past two months I've been walking around with a ticking timebomb in my pocket, and it just finally exploded. As odd as it may seem, I've very, very glad. Before this I could just pretend that it would go away and I could continue to live (in my opinion much happier, and certainly more honest) than I have in the past. Now there's no need to pretend. I've paid my dues and I'm free of the chains--even woohu is gone now. I'll never even check it again. I think it's the only way to completely wash myself of it.

What happened? I broke free from a friend. Not something I would ever recommend--but when you've gotta do it, you've just got to do it. There comes a breaking point. A point when you sit with them and talk about all the same things you always have, and you realize that that person has no idea who you are. They have no idea what you care about, and you start to wonder that even if they did--would they care? Have they been there when you needed them, and do you even want to be there for them either? There's a whole lot behind it, most of which I didn't even bother to explain. The reasons don't matter if they won't be heard.

The bottom line is I didn't need it anymore. I didn't want to go through this whole cycle all over again, like I did last year, and then again this summer. It's not worth it. You've got to pick and choose who will influence your life, and for how long. There are times when you come across choices, as this was, when you lose something no matter what you do. The question is though, if given such a choice, which side is more important to you? It's a matter of the heart.

This journal, in general, is a shadow of my life. It's a mirror of things in my mind that I wish to share with outsiders, or of something I'd like to come back and eventually read again to remember. My friends read this. My family reads this. It's a message to them. I don't write things in here about my life to portray myself as better than everyone else. Insecurity would only lead one to that uneducated conclusion. If I speak of my life as better now, it's because I, personally, have become a better person than I used to be. And as egotistical as it may sound, it doesn't have a thing to do with anyone else.

I spoke with my Mom today, and she told me exactly what I've been saying to myself in my head--though somehow it means more coming from her than it could've from anyone else:

It stings a little now, but you knew it would. You were prepared. And now that the wound has been cleaned, it can heal. You needed this Baby Girl, you needed to do this for you.

I did. It's done. I'm free. And now on with my life... I shall speak of it no more. To be quite honest, it's already gotten more of my time that it has ever deserved.

Today

I barely slept last night, and I suppose that's fitting. Afterall, I felt guilty and bad and hurt and all that shit, but I knew that I would when it came down to this point. I knew eventually it would have to come to the surface and pop (to give it a disgusting skin analogy that makes me think too much about Anatomy). I've seen situations like this unfold amongst my highschool friends as well, though I was never in the center before this. In time it will heal, for everyone, as it did then. Many words I had to swallow; words to defend myself against blind accusations and words to create my own accusations against the other side. But not this time. I said what I had to say, and I'm prepared to take the heat for it. I pushed back the urge to get in a petty debate. This is what I decided over a month ago. I decided I needed to move away, that my life had reached the point when it was almost painfully necessary. Life goes through these cycles, and it doesn't have anything to do with who is better than whom. Recently it had gotten to the point when that was the feeling that was portrayed, and in all honesty, it was a signal to me. A beacon. I learned long ago that being around people who bring out the worst in you isn't a smart thing to do--even if those people do nothing special to provoke it.

And even though at this moment it still seems slightly nightmare-ish (as if it had been a nightmare and I'm moments away from waking up), it will get better. I know in my heart that this had to happen--and I know I will be happier in the end. I can't change the opinions of myself that have formed, and that's ok too. That's the price I pay, and I've got the money. I have people who know me. And even if I didn't, I'd just move on. I've been alone before, and it's no stranger to me. I can't break down to the point that I'll just say shitty things about everyone to make myself feel better, because it won't work. In the end, it'll just remind me of all the reasons I'm angry and all the negative qualities I see in people that I used to love.

So today is a new leaf. Today is the day I'll try not to think about it. Today is the day that I'm one day past the worst. It might take time, but just like an old heartache, it eventually becomes just a memory. There were good times, and there were absolutely dreadful ones too. But, much like I did with Andy in the end, I think I'll choose to just keep the good ones with me, and practice the lessons I've learned with the bad.

It's hard to overcome someone else's perception of you, or to even imagine how you could've been perceived that way. But they don't know me--anymore than they claim I know them. I haven't put my heart on the table for them all to see. Isn't that fair to say? Judge not... lest ye be judged.

In the smoky aftermath of all this, I understand why. I know that I made my share of horrible mistakes, and now I have the ability to change--to learn and adjust myself to be a better person. It's been rougher than this before, and I've come through. To be honest... I feel so much better already.

Babbling Brook

Apparently 'dork' means 'whale penis' in a literal sense. Is this common knowledge? If not, I definitely have to use it more often.

This week has been slightly rough. Went to bed Sunday nice and chipper for the week, woke up Monday and felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Tuesday was worse, and I even called in sick (I've never done that before, in any job). I've also had two exams this week, one of which is tomorrow (Biochem) and my professor has been gone for over a week so we've had a substitute professor. But it's all ok. I'm feeling a lot better and tonight I get to eat pasta salad. Woo! I also got to visit with Kate and Dave on Monday as well, and that was fun. We made taco rings (or more accurately, Kate did and I just kept her company) and then she cut my hair while the boys talked about downloading illegal software. Dave was a little sick too. So was Jillian. Damn viruses--I gotta stop making out with everybody.

How is it that I've gone to this university for nearly three years and I've never really used the library on campus? In my Religions of the World class our group project requires four literary sources--I got so scared. Literary sources? Who reads books anymore?? Luckily one of the four people in my group knew how to find specific books, and we were saved. But it really put into perspective how easy research is now that the internet exists. In fact, I'm thinking college in general would be about 193,882,732 times harder without computers to do everything.

Ninja, vanish! *poof*