What doesn't break your heart into a million tiny pieces...

Only makes you stronger.

Phuck You Pharmacy: Intro

Someday, after I've served my debt to society, I will open my own DREAM pharmacy and it shall be called.... "Phuck You Pharmacy." My technician and I came up with this idea after a particularly nasty string of ungrateful patients visited us one slow afternoon. You see, being a retail pharmacist means putting up with a load of bullshit from the general public. It means accepting one fact that you've known all through school but have been secretly repressing because you wanted to believe it wasn't true--people are ungrateful.

People are just so, so, so damn ungrateful it should be a crime.

Working retail is like being a doormat, because of the "great" concept of 'consumer feedback.' Companies that employ pharmacies make the silly mistake of thinking that consumer feedback is not only honest, but also useful. For me, this basically means that people can be assholes to me, but if I so much as look at them funny in return, they can complain about me or my teams ability to deliver "quality customer service" which in turn hurts my pharmacy. Things that hurt my pharmacy hurt me, my sanity, and my paycheck. Bad news bears.

And so, I've created this wonderful utopia in my mind where I can go when the drudgery of reality becomes a little much for me. Phuck You Pharmacy. The idea of an aggressive pharmacy where I make all the damn rules and if you don't like them, you don't get your drugs. Period. A pharmacy where I can say whatever the hell I want and not get in trouble for it. This is a world in which I one day want to live.

Phuck You Pharmacy would have a very small sign which would be hard to see from the rest of the store, so that it would take patients hours to find us. Underneath the title, a description would read "where you get your shit and go." A small sign would be posted boldly at the drop off window, which would state "rudeness will require an additional 20 minutes to fill your prescription." A footnote would warn multiple offenders that we add five more minutes for each additional time you talk back and/or roll your eyes.

In my dream pharmacy, no one would complain about the cost of their medicine. The moment someone opened their mouth to even CONSIDER bitching about their copay, they would automatically have to pay the cash price and forfeit their insurance. As an additional bonus, this tactic might in fact help insurance companies to be better appreciated once patients learn what the REAL COST OF THEIR MEDICINE IS.

Anyone buying Sudafed would have to pass a drug test. Unless, of course, they were well-groomed, freshly showered, and had a drivers license in one piece with no paper stapled to it. There would be ABSOLUTELY NO EARLY REFILLS for controlled substances. I don't care if your dog ate it, you spilled it on the floor, you were stranded on a desert island after a plane crash, or whatever bullshit story you could cook up. I would have a special squad of hit men at my disposal whom I would dispatch whenever someone calls me to ask what color of cough syrup I have. I don't have time to waste in Phuck You Pharmacy.

We would close for lunch at a specific time each day, designated by our store hours sign, phone recording, and the giant sticker on the front doors of the main store. Any idiot who can't read ANY OF THOSE SIGNS and STILL comes up to my pharmacy past that specific time, gets the gate dropped on their head. No exceptions to this rule.

Anyone who comes back to pick up their script before the promised time gets automatically put to the back of the line.

In the world of Phuck You Pharmacy, there ARE stupid questions and no, you're not allowed to ask them.

Welcome to my pharmacy. More on this as I suffer through reality.