The Ominous Inner Fear

I never thought I'd come to the day when my biggest fear would be paying for pharmacy school, rather than being accepted. It's occured to me (though the truth has always been there) that the other 736 students fighting for one of the 150 seats are not my only obstacles. Suddenly I can't help but realize that I don't even have the money to be at WMU right now, let alone take this education of mine to another level. But what choice do I have? Sometimes you have to give up a little to ever gain. I suppose it could be called a sacrifice--a difficult means to an eventually much better end.

I try not to let it intimidate me, but each day seems different. Yesterday I rejoiced at the mere thought of going on to becoming a pharmacist and the life I'll lead for the rest of my days--today every moment I think about it I dread the consequences of chasing that dream. The distance from Mike. The money I don't have. And oh, the extreme difficulty. Even with as much as I've learned here at WMU, my brain will have to stretch to accomodate what will be expected of it. But who better for the job than me? Haven't I been able to adjust to every mental situation education has thrown at me up until this point?

Even so, I fear that pharmacy school will be the moment when I'll break. What if I can't handle the multitude of stresses that will be dumped on me seemingly all at once? From the emotions of a whole new world to the heartsickness that will bloom from being away from my friends, my family, and the man I want to marry even right this moment. Not to mention the adaptations my intelligence will have to endure. I feel ready--ready to spring and start the race just to finish it--but at the same time I'm terrified. Right now I'm in limbo. Trapped in a dreamlike state that is enjoyable to say the least, but will come to a crashing halt when that letter comes to me in the mail. On one side of the coin my heart would break with words of rejection burning my eyes--but on the other my heart would tremble at the thought of turning my life upside down yet again. It takes bravery. It takes passion. And waiting is the worst part. Stop toying with my future. I'm ready for the verdict. Give it to me.

I wonder what it'll feel like if the answer is no. How will I react to being placed into a mental category of others who aren't good enough? I'm not an ignorant individual--but I can say without a doubt that there are many others much, much smarter than I am. At the same time I wonder what else I could possibly do to crawl my way up to their ranks.

As a first step, I applied to retake one class during Summer I this year. General Chemistry II. The only C on my transcript, and one of the two things I would do to improve my situation in the event that I remain at WMU next year. After that it's the PCAT again. Pray for me, that test hurt the crap out of my forehead.

Time for more homework.