When Time Stopped

So today it happened, and what a very long process it has been. Many of you have been there with me from the beginning, even before pharmacy took a hold of me. I can still recall the moment I let go of my dream to become a veterinarian--sitting in the grass behind the Lee Honors College, sobbing to my parents on the phone about how broken down and defeated I felt. I think that's the worst I've ever felt in my whole life--the one moment when my future fell apart and shattered around my feet. Then came pharmacy.

The letter of rejection I received in April was not unexpected--I'm smart, but I'm no genius. I knew what I was up against when I started this, and I was fully prepared to take the fall. The waiting list slowly climbed to my number, and even though I've known for a while now (as you all have) that it would reach that fateful 195, I still felt breathless when I finally saw it. For a moment the world stopped spinning, everything disappeared, and it was just me and that feeling. Even after thinking about it now for an entire day, I still find it difficult to find the words to describe it.

In a gracious attempt however, I felt exhilarated. My heart swelled up and the grin came to my face, where it has remained ever since. I felt proud of myself for the first time in my life. What I've just accomplished is not easy. I'm a student three years younger than the average, going into one of the top three pharmacy colleges in the country, on only one PCAT score and on my first try. Do your research and eventually it will mean as much to you as it does to me. It's by far the best thing I've ever done. It blows Valedictorian out of the water, and stomps all over the Dean's List. It's so intimidating and overwhelming that it scares the hell out of me, yet at the same time I'm already hopelessly in love with it. This is my destiny taking over.

Reality hit me like an unmerciful brick wall almost immediately as I realized what would be expected of me in just a few months. Not only will the classes kick my ass, but the thought of being in yet another environment full of total strangers is enough to turn even my gills a little white. But the thrill of my excitement pushed it down for later. This day is one I've been waiting on for a long, long time. Longer than perhaps even I realize.

I took an exam today and didn't even think about it while I was taking it. All I could focus on was the phrase "I got into pharmacy school" over and over and over in my head. And when I was all finished and checked my answers--I'd done very well. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I aced the damn thing. I was silently freaking out and crawling around in my own brain. I wanted to hug my parents and sit down and cry. I wanted to go back to that child I used to be, holding my mother's hand in the grocery store. Go back before it was too late and I was a grown up.

My phone rang off the hook with congratulations from friends and family. My coworkers hugged me, I got emails from people I hardly know. And this is where the spotlight turns to you. To the crowd that has been cheering me on for so long now. Where oh where would I be without your support?

Your enthusiasm has fueled my excitement and maintained my bravery, preventing me from chickening out. My amazing support group seemed to come out of the woodwork and surround me like a reinforced concrete barrier. I realized just how many people care about me these past few weeks. And because I know I couldn't have done it without you, I have to give credit now where credit is due.

So here is to every one of my friends. There are so many of you who have cheered me on like proud parents from the sideline. Often times I would come home from class to your messages on my computer and your comments in my blogger informing me of the latest waiting list movement. This has happened so frequently the past two weeks that I didn't even have to check the list myself anymore! Your belief in me is exceptionally touching, and I will never forget how it has made me feel.

Here's to my family, who have always seen my true potential. I would've given up long ago without you, and I know there will be many times in the years ahead that I will want to give up again--you'll have to tell me not to. In fact, I'll need you to tell me not to. I strive each day to make you proud--that means far more to me than my own success. I hope one day you will realize just how much of myself I attribute to you.

Here's to my coworkers, who have been an amazing source of information and support. I learned far more from your lessons than I ever did in class.

And last but certainly not least, here's to Jeeber. If anyone deserves a pat on the back, it's you. You've tolerated my obsessive study habits, my fits of frustrated tears, and my ceaseless worrying. Through all my insanity you've been solid, and each new day your excitement for this dream of mine gives me the courage to continue pursuing it. The next few years will be hard for both of us, but I know now I can go forward without fear, for you will be there with me every step of the way. I do this for you, for us, far more than I could ever do it just for myself. You are my future.

Thank you to everyone, for reading this and for believing in me. I love you all so much. Now let's put the effing list to bed shall we? ;D