I'm 21 years old and I've never had a driver's license. I've never even tried to take a road test in order to get one. It's not because I'm lazy or I enjoy being a passenger everywhere I go--quite the contrary, at times I yearn to go where I please without having to rely on anyone else. I know how to drive, I know the traffic laws, I know what all the signs mean, yet none of this has given me the confidence to take the final step. Aside from a brief period of two months or so, I haven't driven in four years.
I think I have some sort of phobia. I dread driving, even if it's just down the street. My driving instructor and my parents used to say what a good new driver I was, but their words of encouragement never helped. I shake when I drive. I sweat. I fear the accident that I have yet to cause. I lay awake in bed thinking about how much I don't want to drive the next day--and it all makes me feel furious inside. What is the cause of this? And how in the hell do I fix it?
People tell me not to push myself and to wait until I'm ready, but the truth is I never will be. If given a choice I would choose not to, and so I probably would for the rest of my life. I don't tell people all this very often because I find it embarassing. Some people make rude comments about it which used to bother me a lot, but I've come to accept that they just can't understand. I've learned since that I'm not the only one who has suffered from something like this; many individuals even years older than me continue to struggle. But I don't want to be like them. I want to beat this back and move on with my life, but each new day I continue to feel the same horrible fear that I always have (no matter how much my driving improves), and I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to break myself of it.
I got a new permit yesterday and I'm going to try again. I'm going to force myself because I don't know what else to do.
11 comments:
*AHAHAHAHAHA* FINALLY! a weakness.
Hey, Eff you Miss Perfect. :P
Oh man, I used to be like that too, until this summer. Well, not as bad I don't think because I did get my license and drove to school and stuff, but that was the extent that I was willing to drive. Until this year I refused to even drive on the expressway. And it really irritated me because all sorts of idiot high-school-drop-out people drive all over and I couldn't. I don't know why I'm getting better this summer, but I can even drive to MSU, and as long as I have some good music with me, I'm only a little edgy at times.
I PROMISE I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE THIS ABOUT ME. *shifty eyes* I just mean to say that you're definitely not alone, and it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of, and don't feel bad, and can I borrow five bucks.
Now if only I could pwn those idiot high-school-drop-outs at the guitar. HOW CAN THEY PLAY IT SO EASILY?
Haha, thanks Mike. I never knew you had any trouble driving too, and it does make me feel better that I'm not a total weirdo. Only a partial weirdo. :)
Its gotta be hereditary. I was 20. I wasn't ready until then either. I can't really explain what made me ready. Circumstances, maybe. I just remember Adam got hurt and had to go to the hospital and needed someone to take him and I was the only one availabe and I couldn't do a damn thing. He ended up driving himself (not the best option). Something in me just changed. Just suddenly was like, I can do this, I want to do this. I was still scared out of my mind, but that feeling faded after I'd gone solo a few times. I have to admit though, Adam kinda had to nudge me into the practice driving and the test. I think if I'd have had to do it at home with Mom or Dad, I'd never have done it. But I did it at school with a friend and I think that made a huge difference. You'll do it. I have complete faith in that, you just may need that little nudge from someone.
Jeeber tries to nudge me, but usually I just push him down and kick him in response.
No I'm kidding. But he's been a big help, and he's also been the only one who's encouraged me at all. If I had to rely on Mom and Dad I'd probably just ride a bike everywhere. :-/
wow...weirdo's in the house!!! :D *just kidding* Please do not attack
Seriously, I think our parents conditioned us not to want to drive. They wouldn't even take the bro out to a parking lot before he took drivers training. I had to do it. He was scared and they didn't do anything to ease his mind.
I'm also fairly certain that they haven't been letting him practice at all. The last I heard (which was months ago) they had yet to take him to Secretary of State to even get his learner's permit.
Hi Amanda! I'm one of Mike's shifty online friends (he met me through Liz Morris). I guess I decided to come out of the woodwork when I saw this post of yours because I'm 18 and I do not have my license yet either. My fear of driving, as far as I can tell, is because 1) my parents never had anything good to say about my driving (my dad is a truck driver, and my mom is naturally nervous) and 2) I lost several good friends in car accidents over my last two years of high school. Plus, people on the road have no idea what they're doing and it's impossible to be careful without people getting mad.
So you're not weird at all. My brother just turned 16 and he's yet to take the first segment of driver's ed.
Maybe we're all dysfunctional.
Aww, I'm very sorry to hear about the people you've lost in accidents. Thanks so much for your comment--it makes me feel better to know there are others who have difficulties with this as well. :)
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