The Upcoming End

When I was trying to get into pharmacy school, the idea of it was just about all I could think of. It was this huge positive force in my life which manifested itself into a tense ball of excitement deep in my chest whenever I stopped for a second to daydream. I used to imagine what it would be like to receive my acceptance letter, and how refreshing it would feel to be amongst classmates who were pursuing the same career path as me. Then, one beautiful Monday in June, I got the good news I had been hoping, dreaming, and praying for for years. I was going to pharmacy school.

And then it hit me. Shit! I'm actually going to have to go through with it now. And all at once I was completely consumed with the reality of the situation: pharmacy school would completely change my life. It would rob me of personal time with family/friends/significant other, take me from my hobbies, and stick me in an alien world where my confidence would be reset at zero and I would emerge trembling with nervousness. I can remember the doubts I had in the weeks leading up to my first days at Ferris, and how at times I even asked myself what in the world I was thinking.

Now, nearly three years later and 75% of the way through school, I'm having thoughts like that again. After longing for graduation and "the rest of my life" for a frustrating six years, it occurred to me suddenly that in just two months I'll be able to say that I only have one year of school remaining. And even though that might seem like a long way away to some, to me, it's practically around the corner. Although the desperation to graduate still remains, something new is starting to build.

I find myself petrified at the idea of being a new pharmacist, alone after my partner leaves at the end of his shift to take care of a room full of government regulated drugs and with several employees whose actions are all my legal responsibility. And every filled script which leaves in my white paper bags is also my handiwork, and if something left wrong... it could have serious consequences. For the first time I find myself seriously evaluating what it will be like to deal with that for the very first time, and occasionally it's overwhelming (especially at 2 AM).

I wonder sometimes if I will be good enough, if I've learned enough, and if I'll remember it all.