After watching about 700 episodes of Forensic Files and every other true crime TV I could get my hands on, I'm a little more cautious than I used to be. As in, if my husband and I were to meet all over again the same way we had 18 years ago, I probably wouldn't go to his house all alone with only my pajamas to protect me. In hindsight, I understand that I quite possibly dodged a bullet.
Over the years, interacting with men has become very intimidating. Most of the males in my life are either related to me or married to my friends (rendering them mostly harmless), so on the rare occasions when I'm exposed to an outsider, I really have no idea how to behave with them anymore. In the presence of single men, I feel like I'm always being silently appraised for my mate-potential. Am I pretty? Do I have a tolerable personality? Do I laugh at the stupid jokes? Will I endure subsequent conversations with them of which are not forced upon me?
Navigating the world as a happily married woman, I use my husband for protection all the time. Whenever a guy makes a pass at me or starts crossing over the threshold of the Friend Zone to explore how far I'll let him go, I usually fall back on the "Oh I'm married" excuse to get away unscathed. In movies you see this all the time: a guy approaches a beautiful woman and starts to flirt with her and despite making it obvious that she's not interested, it's only when the threat of a male rival is brought up before a man finally backs off. And in my experience, sometimes even that isn't enough.
"Do you love him?"
"He doesn't have to know."
^^^^^^^^^ Things grown-ass men have actually said to me in response to me pointing out I'm married.
I've been subjected to the attention of a particularly persistent man from the other side of the Goddamn world recently, who really takes the trophy in not taking a hint. Thankfully I only have to deal with him over social media, but the experience is just a glaring reminder that I can't interact with a man without him thinking, even if subconsciously, that my attention is in some way flirtatious. A woman shouldn't have to tell a man she's romantically unavailable to get him to leave her alone. A woman shouldn't need an excuse at all to not be interested -- her lack of interest alone should be enough. I gave this man zero reason to think I was into him, but he somehow still managed to convince himself that he was God's gift to women. Even after I informed him I was married, he only backed off for a few days before jumping right back in as if I'd never mentioned I was unavailable at all. As if I couldn't go back and take screenshots of all the times I let him know.
So yeah, I dodged a bullet. Not only did my husband not rape and murder me that night over 18 years ago, but he also rescued me from a world of men who don't even hold a candle to him. I was naive in regards to safety, yes, but also in regards to just who was out there and what I was in for.
*whew*
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