Today

I barely slept last night, and I suppose that's fitting. Afterall, I felt guilty and bad and hurt and all that shit, but I knew that I would when it came down to this point. I knew eventually it would have to come to the surface and pop (to give it a disgusting skin analogy that makes me think too much about Anatomy). I've seen situations like this unfold amongst my highschool friends as well, though I was never in the center before this. In time it will heal, for everyone, as it did then. Many words I had to swallow; words to defend myself against blind accusations and words to create my own accusations against the other side. But not this time. I said what I had to say, and I'm prepared to take the heat for it. I pushed back the urge to get in a petty debate. This is what I decided over a month ago. I decided I needed to move away, that my life had reached the point when it was almost painfully necessary. Life goes through these cycles, and it doesn't have anything to do with who is better than whom. Recently it had gotten to the point when that was the feeling that was portrayed, and in all honesty, it was a signal to me. A beacon. I learned long ago that being around people who bring out the worst in you isn't a smart thing to do--even if those people do nothing special to provoke it.

And even though at this moment it still seems slightly nightmare-ish (as if it had been a nightmare and I'm moments away from waking up), it will get better. I know in my heart that this had to happen--and I know I will be happier in the end. I can't change the opinions of myself that have formed, and that's ok too. That's the price I pay, and I've got the money. I have people who know me. And even if I didn't, I'd just move on. I've been alone before, and it's no stranger to me. I can't break down to the point that I'll just say shitty things about everyone to make myself feel better, because it won't work. In the end, it'll just remind me of all the reasons I'm angry and all the negative qualities I see in people that I used to love.

So today is a new leaf. Today is the day I'll try not to think about it. Today is the day that I'm one day past the worst. It might take time, but just like an old heartache, it eventually becomes just a memory. There were good times, and there were absolutely dreadful ones too. But, much like I did with Andy in the end, I think I'll choose to just keep the good ones with me, and practice the lessons I've learned with the bad.

It's hard to overcome someone else's perception of you, or to even imagine how you could've been perceived that way. But they don't know me--anymore than they claim I know them. I haven't put my heart on the table for them all to see. Isn't that fair to say? Judge not... lest ye be judged.

In the smoky aftermath of all this, I understand why. I know that I made my share of horrible mistakes, and now I have the ability to change--to learn and adjust myself to be a better person. It's been rougher than this before, and I've come through. To be honest... I feel so much better already.