The Moment of Truth

I've tried to make an entry about this several times now, but I just wasn't sure what I wanted to say. I wanted to accurately portray how I felt, but somehow I doubt I can do that. Those of you who truly know me know how I feel, and I suppose that's all that matters.

My parents got my admissions letter in the mail yesterday and called me up to read me what it said. The bottom line is I wasn't one of the 150 students who were admitted for the fall incoming class--there's just no dancing around that one. Even though I believed myself to be fully prepared for either result, I still can't explain that sinking feeling in my heart when mom read me those words.

737 people applied, 150 were accepted, and each application was assigned a priority number based on its rank in comparison to the others. My number was 195--forty-five precious seats away. So close, and yet so dramatically far. Even so, I guess there is a positive note to be said about this. I've been put on a waiting list, which means as the students who were admitted start getting their acceptance letters, many of them will choose to go to some other pharmacy school or not even respond at all, freeing up seats for more students on the waiting list. There's a good possibility that I chould still end up going in the fall, if only I can endure more waiting. Despite this hope, I've chosen to not rely on it. If the waiting list creeps up to 195 and I go, then it'll be great--I'll celebrate, pee my pants, dance around, whatever. But not until they tell me I'm going. I won't allow myself to be let down a second time.

My mom told me over and over how proud she was. So did Mike and my friends. What else can I say about this aside from my extreme disappointment? I wanted that letter to say yes, and it didn't. I can't pretend that I didn't want it. But beneath my discouragement and shattered hope, my mother's words brought me back to my feet. This was my first time applying, and my very first PCAT score. I competed against hundreds of other students just as smart and determined as me, and out of almost 740 people, I was #195. That's nothing to shake a stick at. In fact, that's good. It means more to me each time I think about it, because now I know how I rank in comparison to other students. Now I realize that I am smart enough to do this, and my level of improvement for the next time is not impossible to accomplish. Getting into pharmacy school will become a game of waiting patiently and giving everything I have. I'm not afraid that it won't happen, or that I won't be able to do it. I love this, and I can't quit it.

So today I go forward with steam. Today I woke up, put on my running shoes, and put a smile on my face. I am proud; look at how far I've come in two years. Look at what I'm on the verge of being capable of. I will achieve my dreams--and how many are lucky enough to boast that?